But You're My Best Friend!
by faballa
Summary: The new professor needs a job. Snape doesn't need help. Dumbledore listens to the prettier of the two. Will Snape fire her? Fall in love with her? Kill her? Set in PoA. Rated T for language. All characters property of J. K. Rowling. Reposted and revised!
1. Chapter 1: The Assistant Professor

No characters, with the exception of Esme, belong to me

**No characters, with the exception of Esme, belong to me.**

**A/N: **Hello readers, new and old! This is a reposted version of my original story. In a fit of boredom, I recently reread all of my stories, and I didn't like parts of them, so I thought, "Why don't I repost?" Please enjoy, and if you do, please review.

--

"No," Snape said, staring at the figure sitting on his desk. "Not you."

"Yes, me." The figure, a petite, dark haired girl no older than nineteen leapt off of the desk and stretched her arms above her head.

"Why? You never even liked Potions. Why not something like Transfiguration, or Charms?"

"Look Severus. I needed a job. And, stupidly enough, I'd opted to study Potions last year. So, the only one Dumbledore offered was an assistant professorship with you. Deal with it."

"Why couldn't he have _told_ me?"

"And have you quit on the spot?" She laughed, jumping off of the desk and onto the tips of her toes, trying to see eye-to-eye.

"I wouldn't have quit."

"You would have spent the summer whining to him about what an 'unfit choice' you saw me as."

"I don't whine."

"Please, you whine like a hungry dog. I'm _sure _you whined."

"That doesn't make any sense. This is why I don't want to work with you; you're nothing but a nonsensical child who isn't fit to teach!"

"I'm not a child Severus—"

"Please, Slain! If you're going to call me anything other than my proper title, call me Snape," his lip curled, "Or Snivellus. Like your father." He added with a cold smirk.

"James Potter is not my father."

"That's not what I've heard."

"You will not bring this up again!" she snapped, gesturing angrily.

"Look Slain," He brought his face dangerously close to hers, "I'm your boss. I have the power to fire you. I also have the power to change your wages. Don't mess with me."

"Actually, Sevvie, you don't have the power to fire me." She smirked, "I asked."

"Brat."

"Why don't you like me Sev? I was a good student. I did most of my homework. I followed most of the rules."

"You may have had high marks but you were as arrogant as your father. You were caught breaking curfew at least twice a month; you rarely had your homework for my class in on time; you and Nymphadora Tonks played 'fanged Frisbee' during my class; you've broken more rules than all of the Weasley children combined."

"They're really more like guidelines."

"It's amazing you weren't expelled!"

"I have a troubled past."

"No, you don't!"

"My foster parents abandoned me!"

"They disowned you, it's different."

"How?"

"You were never left without adult supervision."

"Because supervision is the exact same thing as a family."

"You were at school; you wouldn't have seen your family anyway."

"You're horrible!" The assistant professor laughed and shook her head, "At least I can torture their kid. He's what, a third year now?"

"Be nice to Draco. His parents have given a lot of money to the school."

"Ugh, hate you Severus. You never let me have any fun."

"You haven't even started working for me yet."

"True."

"I still cannot believe Dumbledore's letting you work for me."

"Not for you, with you!"

_Start of term feast_

"So, Sirius Black. Scary shit, huh?" She grinned as she dug into the meal. Snape rolled his eyes.

"Must you talk like that?"

"Making fun of the way I speak is cruel, Severus."

"I really don't like you." She didn't seem to hear him. Instead she was peering across the table.

"Hey, who's that?" The assistant professor twisted her head to look at a thin, ragged man sitting at the other end of the staff table.

"Remus Lupin. He's the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. Don't you ever listen?"

"He's cute," she giggled.

"Oh no…"

"I should go introduce myself to him. He seems lonely." She strutted over to Remus, "Hello, I'm Esme Slain, the assistant Potions professor."

Remus choked on his pumpkin juice, "_Slain? _As in Marcus Slain?"

"He's my grandfather."

"I wouldn't be telling people that; you know he's—"

"The one responsible for spreading You-Know-Who's reign into France. I know."

"Why are you _here_?"

"Well, when my mother was fifteen, it seems that a fourteen-year-old James Potter was on holiday in Paris for the spring. As the story goes they met, fell in love, and she became pregnant with me," Remus grimaced at the thought of his friend being a father at fourteen. "Unfortunately, my mother, Cosette, gave birth nearly two months too early, and died. My grandparents were too ashamed to keep me, so they gave me to the Malfoys."

Remus stared at her like she was the craziest thing he'd ever seen. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You asked, now, when I was eleven I was sorted into Gryffindor, obviously because I was James' daughter. You see Narcissa and Lucius didn't know that he had fathered me, and when they found out that he had they were _pissed_. They disowned me. So Dumbledore found a new foster family for me and now I live with the Weasleys."

"That's nice…"

"So anyway, what's your story?"

"I needed a job. I got offered a job. End of story."

"Oh," Esme strode back over to Snape, "He's cute."

"Please stop _mooning_ over the defensive arts professor. It's rather frightening."

"Oh puh-lease, you're just jealous you didn't get to him first."

Snape stared at her, "I don't like you."

"I know," Esme simpered, "And it hurts me in here." She thumped her fist on her solar plexus, "Ow, that really did hurt." Snape got up and left the table, "Severus? Severus! Come back! Severus this pains me!" She too, got up and left the table, folding her arms over her chest and muttering, "Nobody likes me, might as well be dead…"

Back at the feast Remus turned to Professor Flitwick. "Who_ was _that?"

"Oh Esme! She's the lovely young thing who will one day take over for Professor Snape when he runs off with Professor McGonagall. Scintillating girl isn't she?"

"Actually she seems rather mad…"

"Oh no! She just takes some getting used to. And one day she'll meet the right man and become completely normal." He smiled and patted Remus' arm.

"What are you…?" But Flitwick had already left. He turned to Professor Sprout, "What's going on here?"

"Oh dear, if you just tried some deodorant I'm sure people could stand to be around you longer. Though the werewolf thing may also be working against you…"


	2. Chapter 2: Evening Detention

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

Esme sighed as she let the cool water of the lake lap over her feat. She hadn't even started teaching yet and she was feeling the stress. Students freaking out in the hallway ("It came into our compartment, Esme! _There was a dementor on the train!_") A branch snapped on the other side of the lake. Thinking it was an old friend, she looked up, grinning. Instead she saw what was either a large dog or a small bear.

_Fang._

"Fang, Fang! C'mere boy! Oh, I've missed you so much!" She began running to the other side of the lake shouting Fang's name all the way.

--

At his hut, Rubeus Hagrid stared at his dog, "Ah Fang, looks like poor Esme's fin'lly lost it."

--

Back at the lake, Esme had chased down the dog that she thought was Fang, but in reality was definitely not Fang.

"Fang! Fang!" She stared at the dog, noting it's thick coat and lack of drool. Wait, you are _not_ Fang." The dog backed up slightly, looking nervous. "Oh don't be scared baby! I'm not going to hurt you. Oh, aren't you a pretty little puppy!" She began scratching the dog's ears, "But you're so skinny!" She giggled softly, "I'll have to sneak you some food from the Great Hall. Gosh, if I'd known I was going to meet a poor, emaciated puppy dog, I would've-CRAP!" The dog's eyes widened at Esme's sudden outburst, "I was supposed to be in class ten minutes ago! Snape's gonna be so pissed! I gotta go baby!"

As she was sprinting up to the castle Hagrid stepped out of his hut and shouted, "Ye know, Esme, maybe ye should go to the Hospital Wing—"

"Not now Hagrid! I must observe teaching!" She cut him off, sprinting through the castle doors.

"Now tha' Fang, is a true example o' madness."

Esme burst into the dungeons in a flushed panic, her short hair frizzing five centimeters out from her head on either side. Her robes billowed behind her as she strode confidently to the front of the room. She was an impressive, and slightly sweaty, sight.

"Dare I ask, Miss Slain, why you are late to your first class, yet every student seemed able to get here on time?"

"I would, Severus, but I feel it would be inappropriate to say in front students," for the first time she glanced at her audience. Gryffindors and Slytherins. Seventh years. _Figures. _The Gryffindors, most of whom she'd known last year, sniggered at her "witty" response.

"Lateness is not tolerated in my class, Miss Slain. Detention. Tonight. Nine o'clock. Don't be late." He smirked, clearly enjoying his upperhand.

"You can't give me detention! I'm not a student!"

"Just watch me. You're lucky I don't dock points."

Esme met the disapproving eyes of her brother Percy. He raised his eyebrows. She shrugged, earning an eye roll.

"Ooh, detention with Snape! Gonna dole out some discipline, Professor?" Inquired one really, _really_ dumb Gryffindor.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor, Lore!" Snape snapped.

"You probably should have seen that coming," Esme said, taking her seat behind her new desk.

--

"You know," Esme said, catching up with her little brother before lunch, "I'm contemplating skipping detention. Just to see what happens, you know?"

"Isn't Snape the one who regulates your paycheck?" Percy raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips, looking a lot like his mother.

"True…go eat. I have something I need to do." Esme brushed into the hall, grabbed a handful of chicken and shoved it into her purse. The other professors stared.

As she left the hall, Remus turned to Professor Flitwick, "Dare I ask?"

"Oh, that Esme. Who knows what she's up to," he laughed.

"Well, I'm about to find out." He got up, leaving his plate of untouched food behind.

Remus followed her out to the grounds and to the edge of the woods where she met a rather familiar dog. He narrowed his eyes, trying to think where he'd seen it before.

"Wait!" She turned and looked for the source of the outcry.

"What are you doing here?" she called back

"Where did you find that dog?"

"I-i-in Hogsmeade." For some reason she felt it unwise to tell him that she was feeding a dog that she'd found wandering around the lake this morning.

"Really?" Remus bent down to look at the dog, who instantly started licking his palms.

" Yes. She was at the Hogshead. Rosmerta said that if no one claimed her in the next day she'd have to turn her loose in the street."

"So the dog's a female?"

"Yes. Her name is," she paused thinking of a name, "Rosie."

"After Rosmerta?"

"…Yes."

"You named your dog after the barkeep?" He narrowed his eyes.

"Seriously Remus, what's with all the questions?"

"Why aren't you keeping her in the castle?"

"She can run out here. Plus I room with Severus and he's allergic to dogs."

"Really? I didn't know—wait did you say you _roomed_ with Snape? As in shared a room?"

"We have a very thin wall separating us. If I kick it I could probably knock it down. We also share a bathroom."

"That sounds…pleasant."

"You know he only showers once a week?"

"Ew. Really?" Esme giggled.

"Would I lie to you?"

"Probably. I still don't quite believe you about the whole dog thing." He glanced down at Rosie, who was neatly tearing apart the chicken Esme had brought her.

"Um, _be that as it may_, I'm still not lying about Severus."

"Uh-huh."

"What?"

"I'm not quite sure why you're lying about the dog, but I know you are. However, I feel that it would do me harm to look into it." He examined the dog again, "Yes, it would do both of us harm to look into it."

"What do you—?"

"Don't worry. And Miss Slain?" Remus turned to her, staring intently into her pale blue eyes.

"Yes?"

"Times are dangerous. Trust no one."

--

"He _threatened_ you?" Percy asked incredulously.

"Well, warned really." Esme twisted a lock of hair around her finger, shrugging.

"That's still weird."

"It is rather bizarre, but I don't think I have anything to worry about right yet. Now, you, Mr. Head Boy, need to go back to patrolling the halls."

"Have fun in detention!"

"Right."

Esme stalked into the dungeons and fixed Snape with her patented "You're-a-bitch-why-are-you-making-me-be-here-I-hate-you" stare. Snape matched her loathing stare with a "Sit-down-or-I'll-murder-you-in-your-sleep" look.

"Sit down." She remained standing. "Sit down or I'll murder you in your sleep!" She sat down with a rayher disdainful look.

"You know, Severus, I think the anxiety of having a mass murderer on the loose has made you rather…"

"Tense?"

"Crazy." He rolled his eyes.

"Just grade these papers."

"Isn't that what I blew off doing at lunch?"

"Yes. Therefore, You would have been doing them tonight anyway. Funny how things work sometimes."

"Then why did you…?"

"It's more entertaining this way." His lips curled into something like a smile. Esme gasped.

"Did you just_ smile?_"

"Do your work." Both Snape and Esme went back to grading the papers. The pair worked silently, dark hair falling over both their faces.


	3. Chapter 3: What Happened on Halloween I

A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

Detention sessions faded into typical work, just as the days faded into weeks and the weeks into months. Soon it had become time to discuss Halloween.

"So, Severus, what are you dressing up as for All Hallow's?" Esme said cheerfully, the same day that the autumn wind began to blow in. Snape stared at her.

"I'm not. I haven't dressed up for this pointless holiday since, well, ever." Esme's eyes widened.

"That's _so_ weird. I dress up every year."

"I know; it's been extremely disruptive to class."

"And I plan to do the same thing this year—only more so as I'm a professor now."

"Please tell me you're not spending the day in the nude. And by the way, you're hardly a professor." He raised his eyebrows menacingly.

"Whatever. And though what I'm doing next Saturday will be rather distracting to most of the population, it involves little nudity."

"Little?"

"Do wrists, ankles, and the face count?"

"Funny. Help me with this potion."

"What is it?" She leaned in to sniff it, but recoiled, her face contorted. "Urgh!"

"Dumbledore doesn't want me to tell you yet." He smirked a bit, "He doesn't think you're mature enough to handle it. Does that _bother _you?"

"No, not as long as it doesn't poison me. Who's it for?"

"Your _friend_ Lupin."

"We're hardly friends." She laughed, "We sort of scare each other. He acts like he knows something I don't—"

"He knows many things you don't. Things that may frighten and surprise you." His eyes widened mysteriously.

"Whatever. Really? I should go speak with him."

"Go. I can do the potion on my own. Tell him to go as a wolf for Halloween."

"Will do."

--

"Remus! Oh, _Remus_!"

"Hello, Miss Slain." He sounded tired, "Do you want something?"

"Yes. I know that you know things I don't know, and I want you to tell me them." He stared at her.

"Perhaps, Miss Slain, you and I should take a walk." The pair walked outside and were soon greeted by Rosie, wearing a pink collar covered in rhinestones. "Ugh, what's that on his neck?"

"It's a collar, and _she _is a girl," Esme said firmly.

"Right. So you wanted to know about your father?"

"Yeah."

"God, it's so weird to think of James as a parent."

"He had Harry."

"I mean a teenaged parent. He never said anything."

"He never even mentioned Cosette?" Her forehead wrinkled up.

"He mentioned a girl, but no one believed him. He'd said things like that before."

"What a prat."

"He outgrew it. Anyway, I'm not surprised he didn't give a name. I mean the daughter of the most evil man in France? Not exactly a girl he could take home to his mum. Sirius'd probably kill him just for mentioning her; he hated that family so much." He laughed bitterly.

"What?" Esme turned sharply, her blue eyes filling with shock and anger. Rosie backed up, looking a bit scared. "Black thought my grandparents were bad when he was You-Know-Who's right-hand man? At least Marcus didn't betray his friends and family! At least he wasn't a hypocrite!"

"Miss Slain, calm down, please!" A few groups of students turned to stare.

"No! Look Remus, I've spent the past eight years getting looks every time my full name was mentioned. When I first started at Hogwarts the other first-years were scared of me. The _prefects_ wouldn't speak to me. Now I find out that even the Death Eaters thought my family was bad! I've never even _met _my family. It's not fair!" She began walking away, "I'm going to Hagrid's."

Remus turned and looked at Rosie, "We screwed up, didn't we?" The dog nodded, "Did you just nod?"

--

"People suck." Esme glared at Hagrid's wooden table, her black hair covering her pale face.

"Now Esme, you an' I have this talk ever' year, an' the talk's always the same. Now, wha's wrong?"

"Ugh, I just found out that even Sirius Black hated my family. Can you believe that? What a hypocrite!"

"An' he had the righ' to! Yer grandfather was causin' a good bi' o' trouble at the time. Terrorizin' muggles, killin' muggle-borns. He wasn' a good man."

"I know that but still! Black must've already known he'd one day be a Death Eater, he was speaking against his own."

"Yer Grandfather was not in the same league as any Death Eater. He was almos' as bad as You-know-who."

"So was Black!"

"Now, Esme, people change. Black was a kid. I knew 'im. 'E was no worse than you 'r me." He paused, "Well, no worse than me. Yeh gotta understan' Esme, people aren' always wha' they seem. An' don' ye go whinin' about people not likin' yeh. Yeh gotta good life with the Weasley's an' yeh got friends like Tonks. I don' think what a mass murderer though' o' yer fam'ly matters too much."

--

"Happy Halloween! Severus said you should dress up as a wolf!" Esme jumped up from behind Remus, causing him to trip over nothing. She'd been stalking him around the grounds for at least ten minutes before she'd struck.

"Stop doing that!" he cried.

"Fine. So are you going to Hogsmeade this afternoon?"

"No, I'm, ah, not well. And you?"

"No I've got to get my--ahem--'costume' ready for the feast."

"I see." He raised an eyebrow.

"But first I've got to walk my dog, hence my out-here-ness."

"Uh-huh."

"Look, here she comes now!" Rosie was trotting up them, her mouth open in a warm puppy-smile. Remus stared at the dog, the gears in his head ticking away.

"So, still wanting to kill Sirius Black?" he asked, never taking his eyes off of the dog.

"If I find him I will rip out his vital organs and make him eat them. Then again I'd do the same to anyone else who commented on my family history."

"You know, I'd never even heard of the family before I met you…" He said, feigning innocence.

"Funny," she deadpanned.

"Maybe you should relax about it. Has anyone even brought it up in the past few years?"

"Not since I nearly killed a Slytherin with nothing but my bare hands."

"I see."

"The human body is quite delicate. Did you know that"

"Let's talk about something else."

"All right, would you like to go get your palm read with me?"

"What? Where?"

"Trelawney read my palms every year. She'll tell you your future. You know it changes every year," she winked.

--

"Ah, Esmeralda, I saw you have brought a guest. Mr. Lupin, it is your desire to go first?" She smiled her dewy smile and Remus cringed.

"Um, no." He grimaced, causing Trelawney's eyes to narrow to slits.

"Fine, then. Esmeralda, come sit." Esme sat down and stuck out her palm. "I see you would like me to read your Love Line."

"Yes. Just like every year since I was eleven."

"I see a tall, dark man coming into your future. You have known about him for many years. You've thought him evil, but he is not how you see him. You will fall in love with him in a matter of weeks, and within the year he will wish for you to be his bride. When he proposes you will say yes, but your love will face many hardships. A storm is brewing, but your love will stay strong through it. But one day, years from now, he will proclaim his love for you for the last time in his life, and you will be unable to return it. On that day, he will cause your death." Esme smirked.

"So much for the long, lonely life you promised me last year." Trelawney frowned and pointed and Remus.

"Sit." He sat and stuck out his palm.

"I suppose I'll do love too." He rolled his eyes at Esme.

"Of course. Let's see…Ah! I see a young woman about to come into your life! Yes, yes, quite young. At first you will deny yourself love, but in time you two shall wed and give birth, but in less than a half a year's time after the birth, you and your wife will die at the hands of your family."

"Great…" The second the two had existed Trelawney's room Remus turned to Esme, "That was, uh…"

"Enlightening?"

"Scary."

"Don't let her get to you. She when I was sixteen she told me that before my twentieth birthday I'd experience riding about on a motorcycle wearing a lot of leather."

"The bike or you?" Remus raised his eyebrows.

"I sort of hope she meant the bike."

"Ha. Have any of her predictions ever come true?"

"She once predicted I would 'fail history' when I was in my fifth year. I got a P on my History of Magic O.W.L. that year. I don't think you needed to be a seer to see that coming, though; I'd slept through that class for five years straight."

"How on earth did you become a professor?"

"I'm not sure. I think Dumbledore feels sorry for me. But I was pretty good at Potions and Transfiguration. Speaking of, I've got to head off and get into costume."

"You're using Potions and Transfiguration on your costume? How…nice."

--

Esme touched her hair for the last time, just to make sure it was perfect. She then brought her wand to her cheek, making her face appear elegantly flushed and carefully picked up the hem of her robes. The feast had begun about ten minutes ago; every student would be seated, but Dumbledore would not have made the toast yet. She pushed the doors to the Great Hall open and walked in rather quickly.

By the time she'd reached the middle of the hall, Snape's jaw had dropped, McGonagall's eye brows had shot up, and an amused smile was playing on Dumbledore's lips. Older students gasped; they had been through many of her Halloween surprises, but this was the biggest one they'd ever seen.

Esme's hair had been lengthened to fall just below her shoulder blades in gentle curls. The freckles that had been smattered across her face had disappeared, leaving her with a Chinadoll complexion, and her soft, pale blue eyes seemed sharper. Her robes, which matched her eyes perfectly, had been sized to fit and flaunt her curves. Some of which, the older Gryffindor girls noticed, also seemed to be magically enhanced. As she rushed up to the table, grasping her robes, it was seen that on her feet glittered a pair of silver, kitten-heeled, open-toed, sandals.

"Honestly, sandals. In October! What does she think she's pulling?" A blond Slytherin hissed to her smirking friend.

"I know. And she either padded her cups or picked up some transfiguration from outside of McGonagall's class."

Esme, oblivious to the students, collapsed into her seat next to Snape. Once down she smiled fully and tossed her hair over her shoulder. His jaw dropped.

"What, in God's name, have you done to yourself?"

"Oh Severus, dressing up makes Halloween ever so much fun. Why don't you ever try it?" And with that, she rapped him on the head with her wand, causing a large, vultured hat to appear.

Dumbledore stood, smiling at Snape and Esme, and raised his Goblet. "To life, and all its celebrations."

"Hear, hear!" Esme cried over the din, clinking goblets with Remus.

The rest of the feast passed rather quietly, until, of course, Esme was heading for bed.

"Slain!" Snape snapped, as Esme was retreating towards her bedroom.

"What, Severus." Exhausted, her feet aching (she rarely wore heels), Esme was not in the best of moods.

"There's been a break-in."

"WHAT?" Suddenly her feet seemed to hurt a _lot _more.

"Sirius Black. Gryffindor Tower."

"I'm guessing we have to go hunt for him now?"

"Yes. The students have been ushered into the Great Hall. Go search the outdoor grounds."

"No."

"Search the outdoor grounds or I'll tie you up in the dungeons with Lupin on a full moon."

"That was a bizarre and disturbing threat." He shrugged and she left.

Carrying a candle, Esme went out to search the area around the Womping Willow. She cried out as she bumped into something large and furry.

"Oh, thank goodness, it's only you, Rosie. Ugh, I've gotta go searching for some idiot who thinks it's okay to break into the castle while I'm wearing uncomfortable shoes. You go. I don't want you getting hurt. I'm gonna find Fang to help me instead, though he may be in the forest with Hagrid." The dog turned and ran away, disappearing beneath the willow just as Esme had turned to see her go.

_What the hell? _Esme raced towards the tree. Ducking beneath its seemingly frozen branches, she stumbled upon what seemed to be an open passageway. She ran a hand through her hair thinking. _Seriously, what the _fuck _is going on here?_ She slipped into the passage.

Walking along a narrow hall, she felt her heart begin to race. As she was trying to tell herself nothing was wrong, she turned a corner into pitch-black hallway. But she wasn't alone; a pair of silver eyes were staring right back at her.

--

So long…please review…


	4. Chapter 4: What Happened on Halloween II

A/N: Four updates in one day…I have no life

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

Sirius Black stared at Esme, all of the air in his chest disappearing. He looked her over. She was thin, though not as skinny as him, and she had the same messy black hair and manic glint that had forever characterized James. She was pretty, well, prettier than the girls in Azkaban, but he was sure that, if it came down to it, he could take her in a fi—

SMACK

Esme's fist collided with his chin with such intensity that even she was taken aback. Black stumbled, but held himself up. "What the—?"

SMACK

Her second blow hit his cheekbone and he fell back, barely managing to block her third by grabbing her arm. "Stop hitting me!"

THWACK

Her kitten-heeled foot collided with his stomach, finally knocking him off his feet. "Listen!" He rasped, pushing himself upward. But she wouldn't hear him out.

"You're Sirius Black!" She cried.

"Yes, I am!" He rasped back.

"I don't like you!"

"Somehow I'm not surprised!" She whipped out her wand and pointed it to his throat. He looked down, "Oh, my. Please, just give me a chance to explain."

"All right. Explain the situation without using the letter 'E.' Every time you use the letter 'E' I'll hurt you in ways you cannot imagine." His eyes hardened.

"You think that a nineteen-year-old girl can do more damage than twelve years wrongfully imprisoned in Azkaban?" He scoffed, "I'd like to see you try."

"Okay." She raised her wand.

"NO!" he gasped. "Please, please just let me explain! And please keep in mind that I have no wand and don't have the strength, ability, or lack of chivalry to take you on in hand-to-hand combat." He looked around the floor for a rock big enough to take her down.

"Did you take that in mind when you blasted apart a street full of muggles?" she spat. "And one comment about my ancestors and I _will _turn you in and feel no regret."

"Wait, what do you mean, you aren't going to turn me in?"

"No." He stared at her.

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Because I know you're innocent. I grew up with the Malfoys, and when I was about six, maybe seven, you were arrested. I remember Lucius saying that he knew you weren't the spy, that it was someone else. He said that if the ministry was smart enough to check they'd notice that you lacked some sort of Death Eater sign. He just can't say anything without incriminating himself."

"So why did you hit me?" He rubbed at the purple bruise blooming on his jaw. "And threaten me?"

"Because you've spent the past two months lying to me and you chose tonight, of all nights, to force me to run about in a pair of too-small kitten-heeled sandals."

"Sorry, I figured if you found out the truth you'd turn me in instantly."

"I didn't even turn in _Lucius,_ and he'd actually done something wrong."

"Wait, if you know he's evil and I'm innocent, why didn't you say anything?"

"I'm a Slain." He froze; his eyes like a deer's in the headlights.

"Oh. That changes things."

"Yeah. So even if I did turn you in, my credibility's marred by the fact that my grandfather killed thousands of innocent muggles."

"That's—wow." Esme looked at her watch nervously.

"I'd better go; they'll be looking for me."

--

Esme trotted up the stairs to the castle, swearing under her breath with each step she took. "_Bugger, fucking shoes."_

"Ah, Miss Slain. Stumble upon anything—ahem—_interesting_?" He smirked, glancing at her bleeding heels.

"Snape, you lousy bastard, what makes you at least ten times more miserable on Halloween?"

"Perhaps it was the 'Let's poison Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Firewhiskey' episode of 1989. Perhaps not." He shrugged and his smirk faded. "Whatever it is, it's probably directly related to you."

"Fuck off, Sev, I'm going to bed." She turned around, ready to storm out.

"No you aren't. You're spending the next two hours making sure the students are asleep in the Great Hall." He smiled maliciously.

"Why, in God's name, am I the one who must stay and babysit a thousand angst-filled teenagers?"

"I volunteered you."

"Are you getting revenge on me for something I have yet to do?"

"No," his smirk widened, "merely giving you a reason for vengeance."

"Lovely."

--

"So why didn't you just, I don't know, take the shoes off? Or heal your wounds?" Remus raised his eyebrows and sipped from his morning coffee.

"Because, when your feet are bleeding, logic and reason take second place to screaming rage." Dark circles fell under Esme's eyes and her face, though the charms had worn off, was still snow white. Her hair hung limp and matted over her shoulders. Remus smirked, looking irritatingly like Snape.

"Last night must have been _fun_."

"Oh yes. I got to spend all night yelling at couples who decided that a serial killer break-in was a perfect chance to share a sleeping bag and snog. Honestly, Remus, I spent nearly fifteen minutes berating a girl who I'd been on the cheerleading team with for four years."

"You were a Gryffindor cheerleader?"

"Yeah, from my first year to my fifth. I would have made captain if the sport hadn't been banned, but that's a story for another day." She smiled a little.

"Mm, I think I read about that. Was that that because of the fire?" Esme nodded.

"Just a bit. There were a lot of reasons really."

"I'm guessing you were involved."

"I was the ringleader! And I'm damn proud of it!"

"You remind me so much of your father. Your schemes, your expressions, your deep hatred for Snape…"

"I don't hate Severus! He's my best friend!"

"Is he aware of this?"

"Don't ask questions Remus."


	5. Chapter 5: Dumbledore's Mediation

A/N: So lately I've been listening to Broadway musicals while I write

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Miss Slain!"

"Yes Severus?" Esme batted her eyelashes playfully.

"Stop having a seizure and come here."

"You're too cruel. That's why I love you!" she sang. Snape raised an eyebrow. "Platonically."

"You are sure you saw nothing of curiosity last Saturday night?"

"_Well,_ technically it was Sunday morning."

"And you incriminate yourself even further." He shook his head.

"Please explain why you are berating me."

"_This_ was found Sunday morning." A pink collar dangled from his index finger. Esme's eyebrows shot up.

"So what? It's my dog's."

"Look Slain, I know you were helping Black into the castle Saturday night!" Snape snarled, his eyes wide. Esme took a step back. "I don't know how, body doubles maybe, but you were behind his break-in! Trying to do what your grandfather couldn't?"

That struck a nerve. Esme, controlling herself as much as she could, slapped him hard across the face. At that precise moment, Dumbledore walked into the scene.

"Miss Slain! Why on earth did you just assault Severus?"

"Why Professor Dumbledore," Esme growled, her eyes grim, "perhaps you should ask _Severus_ who he just compared me to."

"Perhaps we should continue this conversation in my office," Dumbledore said kindly. "Severus, please walk on my left. Esme, on my right." Snape looked at him, eyebrows raised. "_It's for your own safety" _Dumbledore whispered, "_If you don't come, and walk on that side, she may impale you with a quill the second I turn my back." _ Esme looked at them.

"You do realize I can hear you, right?"

--

"So Severus, what makes you believe that Esme is assisting Sirius Black?"

"I found her dog's collar near where she was searching that night…" He said weakly. _Damn, that sounded so much better in my head. _"But honestly, it's a good assumption. She is of dark blood. She was gone for quite awhile that night. The woman in the fitted robes could have been a paid double, they didn't even look alike…Anyway I think it would make sense for her to free her grandfather's only equal in the Dark Lord's eyes. What are you doing?" Dumbledore was shaking his head fervently. "What- OH GOD!"

"Quill through skull time now! Your death will be quick yet agonizingly painful!" Esme leapt out of her seat, only to be caught around the middle by Hagrid. He'd been summoned up strictly to serve this purpose. He'd already had to grab her four times before the discussion had begun.

"Calm down, Esme. Severus, you only want to accuse her of these things because she's James' son."

"I'M A GIRL!"

"Yes, whatever. Anyway, Severus, don't accuse Esme of being on Voldemort's side. Esme, don't kill Severus unless gives you a really good reason."

"Ooh!" She leapt up again, "Is giving me detention and being mean to Gryffindors a reason to commit murder? I don't even need a wand!"

"I really, really loathe you," Snape muttered.

"Oh Sevvie, you're not allowed to loathe me! You're my best friend! You may only love me, though I'd rather you not do that either."

"You know, I think you two can handle this on your own. You may go." As the two left the room still bickering sarcastically, Dumbledore turned to Hagrid, "Ah, young love."

"Y'know, Professor, I don' think they love each other."

--

"So then, once we left his office, he pushed me down a flight of stairs." Esme said cheerfully, gesturing to the bandage wrapped around her forehead. Black stared at her blankly.

"Where are you getting the idea that I care?"

"Ooh! You're more fun than the other boys. Remus is too nice to insult me and Severus always tries, and fails, to be witty. Anyway, it was all your fault. I gave you that collar to wear and you shouldn't have left it in the woods."

"You do realize that I have bigger things to worry about than a pink collar, don't you? I am, you know, _wanted for murder._"

"Oh, who isn't?" She shrugged, "They'll probably just give you a slap on the wrist." Black stared at her, trying to make sense of the comment.

"Are you—are you even literate?"

"You should be nice to the girl who brings you chicken. I'm your chicken girl. You can't live without me," Esme sang.

"Right. So did you report him?"

"Severus? Nah, it was just a joke."

"He pushed you down a flight of stairs."

"So?"

"He broke your arm."

"We all laughed about it in the hospital wing. And this morning we were still laughing when Severus woke up with pink hair and shaved legs."

"Ah. Revenge is sweet. You know, you remind me so much of James."

"Remus says that same thing. I look more like my mum, though."

"Really?"

"Yes, I've seen pictures."

"Hmm, I think I've seen them too. Could you start dressing like her?"

--

Up in his office, Remus looked up, attempting to find the source of the sound of flesh hitting flesh.

--

"Wow, you're actually early for class," Snape noted. "That's miraculous, to say the least."

"Very funny. Nice hair," Esme grinned at the blonde locks sprouting from Snape's scalp.

"I think the color brings out my eyes."

"You know, dying over dye may eventually cause your hair to fall out. Why blonde? Trying to impersonate Lucius?"

"Black couldn't cover the pink. What potion did you use?"

"Hmm? I didn't do that! How could you accuse me of doing something so awful?" She planted her hands on her hips, "And stop trying to lull me into a false sense of security. It's frightening."

He tutted, "Now, now, am I going to have to schedule another counseling session with Professor Dumbledore?"

"Look Severus. Will you lay off me for a day? I mean, God, you were totally riding my arse all of yesterday. I need a break."

"What?" Then he turned, noticing a small group of fourth year girls, giggling and obviously picturing something they shouldn't. "Sh—she doesn't mean…She's not talking about…" He whipped out his wand, "That was low Slain." Her eyes widened, and she looked from the wand to his angry eyes and back to the wand.

"Oh…Look! A Gryffindor! _Kill_ the Gryffindor!" Then she ran off."

--

**A/N: **Please review! It lights up my life!


	6. Chapter 6: Promotions

Disclaimer: All characters are property of J

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the reviews! You're all wonderful!

--

"Oh Severus!" Esme sang, trotting into the (somewhat empty) Great Hall. "Guess what today is!'

"It's November-oh dear God." His face went a sickly white.

"Uh-huh! November 21st!"

"Happy birthday." Snape said flatly.

"You're sweet. I'm taking today off—"

"Ignoring the fact that it's Saturday…"

"Um, yes. I was thinking of going shopping, but I don't have anybody to go shopping with." She looked at him pointedly. His eyes narrowed.

"Absolutely not."

"But Tonks has Auror training and Remus isn't feeling well," she whined, pouting.

"I care very little. Go play with your dog."

"You're still mad about the 'riding my arse' thing, aren't you?"

"Yes, very much so. It has spread throughout the school faster than the boggart story." He massaged his temples, remembering the conversation painfully.

"It has, hasn't it," she laughed. "If you change your mind, I'll be outside." As she left the room, Snape turned and called after her.

"You know, I think students are still picturing me naked!"

--

"Oh Sirius!" Esme sang, even louder than before, as she skipped into the Shrieking Shack.

"You specialize in being loud, don't you?"

"Yes, now, I have noticed that your hair has gotten very long and overgrown. I am going to fix that." She brandished a pair of scissors. His eyes went very large.

"What?"

"You know, wash and trim. When was the last time you got that shaggy mane cut?"

"It was completely shaved off of my head when I was arrested," he said darkly. "With the gruel they fed us, I'm surprised it even grew back."

"You seem unhappy. A good trim will fix that!"

"Do you have any experience with hair cutting?"

"Of course! I've been cutting my brothers' hair for nearly five years now. Now, I'll cut your hair while you regale me with your tale of Azkaban."

"I really don't want to."

"Tough. So how did you get from the prison to here? I thought it was up near Greenland or something."

"I swam." His face grew shadowed as she began cutting off chunks off his hair, chatting absently.

"Spending twelve in a place full of soul sucking monsters for a crime you didn't even commit," she clicked her tongue. "Wow that must have been hell."

"You live to make people remember how bad life could be, don't you?"

"I liked you better as a dog."

"I liked me better as a dog too."

"You are so depressing. It makes you not a lot of fun to be around." His eye twitched.

"Look, Esme," he snapped, "I spent twelve years in hell. I'm not going to be fun. I'm not going to be nice. I'm definitely not going to be one of those brainless people you call friends. Get that through your head!" Esme froze contemplating what he'd said. Then, silently, she went back to snipping away at his hair. "I'm sorry." He said gently, "I didn't mean to yell."

"No, it's fine. Azkaban's really terrifying. On my list of terrifying things it's above getting eaten above by spiders and below Naked Severus."

"Wait you mean you haven't…?" Esme scrunched up her face in disgust.

"What? Ew, no! That's, just, ew."

"Really? I've seen you two together, and it seemed like it. Also I heard some fourth years talking a few days ago…"

"No! God, I was his _student_ up until this year. God, he hates me!"

"Oh please, he does not," he laughed. "If anything you're a little sister to him."

"You think so? He seems pretty, ah, hateful."

"No, he definitely loves you."

"Ooh! I gotta go see him"

She then ran up and out of the passageway, not noticing that she'd left one side of Sirius' hair about five inches shorter than the other. She sprinted up to Hagrid's Hut, where Dumbledore, Hagrid, Remus and Snape were talking quietly. She ran up, wrapped her arm around Snape and squeezed tightly, "Oh Sev, I love you too!" His eyes widened at he turned even paler than before.

"Get off of me."

"No." She buried her face in his ribcage; he was nearly a foot taller than her. Snape stared at her, disturbed and confused. Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling. Hagrid raised his eyebrows at Remus, who shrugged helplessly. As this all happened, Sirius watched through Rosie's eyes, poised on the edge of the woods. He laughed silently as Snape attempted to peel Esme off, though he couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy at the closeness of their bodies.

--

In a matter of days, snow began to blanket the grounds. Students became more restless, and decided that November 25th was a good day to start their holiday. In Potions.

"Okay, I get that you're all excited about the end of term, but seriously you guys, Christmas isn't for another _month_." Esme snapped. The chattering class went on around her. She shrugged helplessly, "Severus?"

"Sorry Miss Slain, I can't help you." Esme was teaching for the day. Snape was supervising by sitting at his desk and reading _Wizard's World. _

"Okay, the next person to speak spends the entire next Hogsmeade trip with Snape and me!" The class of third years shut up instantly. "Oh come on. Is it really the bad a prospect? Wait, please don't answer that." A few brave souls sniggered softly. "Right, so our potion today is a bit advanced, it was one that I could not make until my fourth year. Professor Snape believes that you all, especially the Gryffindors, cannot brew this potion. I aim to prove him wrong!" The Gryffindors cheered. "Now I've written the instructions on the board. If you have any questions, please raise your hand and I'll come to you. And Mr. Malfoy? I assume that, as most of your bandages have been taken off, you can brew your potion without the assistance of Mr. Weasley. I'd think you'd want to, after what happened last time."

--

(Last Time)

"Weasley, cut up his roots," Snape said, smirking. "Miss Slain I must go file some…things. You're in charge."

"Yes Professor." Esme responded sarcastically. Minutes passed.

"Miss Slain!" Draco whined. "Weasley's mutilating my roots!"

"I don't care."

"My father could have you fired."

"No, actually, he couldn't. Now stop whining and work." As Esme surveyed the other students' work, Ron surveyed Malfoy's undamaged hand. When Esme had turned to speak with Lavender, he turned and stabbed Malfoy's hand with his knife.

"Bloody hell! You just stabbed me!" Esme turned curiously and headed over to the table.

"Ron, did you stab Draco?"

"No," Ron said innocently.

"Mr. Malfoy, I'm afraid I must believe the less obnoxious of you two. Go to the hospital wing."

"But—"

"Go."

--

"You really may get fired one of these days." Harry said softly as she passed his desk.

"Not while Dumbledore's headmaster." Esme whispered, grinning.

"I still don't know…"

"I guess if I physically wound a child he may give me more than a slap on the wrist."

"Miss Slain?" Lavender Brown inquired nervously.

"Yes, Lavender?"

"Is it true that you and Professor Snape are, um, you know?" She and Parvati Patil both turned deep shades of crimson. Esme's smile widened.

"Yes, it is true. Professor Snape and I are still harboring deep loathing for one another."

--

"Esmeralda, Severus, I'm sure you're curious about why I have called you up here in the middle of the day." Dumbledore began, smiling plaintively. During lunch he'd opted to make a loud, public announcement, beckoning the two to his office.

"I'm more curious about who is teaching my class," Snape said flatly.

"Oh, I put one of the more intelligent house elves in charge."

"Our jobs can be done by elves? How depressing." Esme twirled a strand of hair around her index finger, "So, am I fired?"

"What? Of course not! You are a wonderful teacher!" He beamed. Snape looked as though he might vomit.

"What classes have you been watching?" he cried. "She's insane and slightly abusive! And I still think she knows more about the whereabouts of Sirius Black than she lets on!"

"Oh Severus, you should not fear what you don't know!" Dumbledore laughed. "So, Esme's teaching styles are a little unorthodox. Eventually you'll grow to adore her little quirks. Also, you shouldn't accuse your colleagues of being in contact with wanted criminals."

"Yes, next thing you know, you'll be accusing poor Remus of being some sort of mad beast." Esme giggled. Dumbledore and Snape exchanged glances.

"The real reason I called you here, Esme, is to give you some very good news."

"Oh my God, am I pregnant?" she shrieked.

"I'm not one to tell. I've called you here to promote you to a full professor. You will begin teaching classes without Severus's supervision after the winter holiday. Next autumn you will teach all even numbered years."

"Oh my goodness! Thank you so much sir!"

"There's no need, Professor Slain. There's no need." Snape and Esme left his office, one grinning, and one looking grim.

"You know, I had to train for four years to become a professor."

"That's nice. I don't plan on living that long." He looked at her slightly disturbed. Her grin got a little wider. Then he pushed her out a window.

--

**A/N: **Keep reading and reviewing please!


	7. Chapter 7: Christmas Shopping

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any other characters except Esme

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"You have to admit, Snape, pushing your nineteen-year-old coworker out a window is low, even for you." Remus said, smirking slightly. The news of Snape pushing Esme out of a window had spread quickly, as it had killed her. Or at least it would have, had she been a muggle.

"It was only a four-story fall, Lupin. I don't see what everyone's so worried about."

"If it weren't for the bushes she would have _died. _In fact, logically she should have gotten out with worse than a couple of scratches and fractures. Have you apologized to here yet?" Remus raised his eyebrows sternly.

"I tried, but she kept yelling and swearing at me incoherently. So I felt it best to leave." Lupin rolled his eyes, turned, and left Snape standing alone, until McGonagall walked down the hallway.

"Severus, you must go apologize to Esmeralda!" She cried, her eyes flashing. "Whether you like it or not, you two have _got _to work together, _not push each other out of windows!_ I don't want to see you two kill each other. At least not for a few years."

Snape sighed, "As bizarre as that statement is, I do agree. If I try to talk to her again, will she murder me?"

"She might try," McGonagall shrugged.

"Well, this will be entertaining," he muttered.

--

Snape knocked on the door frame, "Miss Slain?"

"You may enter." Esme was resting is bed, propped up by brightly colored pillows. She held a knife.

"Well, Miss Slain, I'd like to, um," he began stumbling over his words, "Is that a knife?"

"Why yes, Severus. Yes it is. You have twenty seconds to explain why you're here, or I'll close my eyes and throw my knife," she said through clenched teeth.

"I came to apologize. It was wrong for me to push you out of a window. I'm," he struggled over his words, "sorry."

"As you should be. Of course, I'm not going to merely let you off with an apology."

"What?"

"You could have killed me! I get revenge, dammit!"

"All right, okay, what do you want me to do?" She thought for a moment.

"The Hogsmeade trip on the last day of term. You are going shopping with me and you are going to do whatever I tell you to."

"Oh God…"

--

"Sirius? Oh Sirius!" Esme yelled, running into the shack.

"You know, Esme, it's smarter _not_ to yell the name of a wanted criminal." Sirius looked up at her, grinning.

"Noted. Snape and I are going Christmas shopping this Saturday and I was wondering if you wanted anything."

"Actually, yes. I do." He began to speak _very slowly_. "I need you to get a Firebolt. The broomstick. Harry's was destroyed recently, as you probably know, and I felt that a Firebolt would be a good replacement. Once I'm free I'll pay you back."

"Well, as much as I don't believe that, I will get the broom for you." She laughed, "You're such a good godfather. I mean, Harry's my half-brother and all I'm getting him are some strange comics." He looked at her funny.

"Does Harry know you two are related?"

"Supposedly we're distant cousins from his father's side of the family. I'm not supposed to tell him I'm his sister until his seventeenth birthday. On the plus side, I don't have to get him a gift!"

"Wow, I'm glad you're not my sister." Esme smacked his head playfully, but then took a harder look at him. More accurately, at his hair.

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"Don't look in a mirror any time soon."

"What?"

"Just don't!"

--

"You know, Christmas has always been the most miserable holiday for me. I've got so many horrible memories that all relate to it. It almost makes me cry." Snape muttered, adjusting the monstrosity on his head. Esme's eyes went wide.

"You have feelings? I mean, why are you telling me this?"

"Because, though those memories pain my heart and mind, you make them pale in comparison," he growled. Snape and Esme walked down Hogsmeade's main street, both dressed in furry, red and white Santa hats.

"You're sweet. Ah, here's my first shop!" She pointed to a garishly colored clothing store. In the window hung a horrible set of red and green dress robes. Esme's eyes lit up.

"_The Wizards' Wardrobe_?" Snape said, disbelievingly. "Who are you buying robes for?"

"Never you mind. Hmm, I suppose he's about your height, though he's a bit thinner than you. Try these on." She thrust multiple robes of multiple colors into Snape's arms, "And I want to see every one of them modeled!" Digging through the pile of extra-larges and child sizes, Snape finally found a set that fit him. They were bright pink. Esme took pictures ("You know I'm going to burn those when they develop." "I can spread pictures faster than you can spread flames."), then she grabbed the robes in a size down and in black. "There! Now all we need is shoes and underwear!"

"I'm not modeling underwear!" Unfortunately Snape had set that quite shrilly, and the shop was full of students.

"Oh Severus, I'd never ask you to do anything like that! I like my eyesight."

--

"Where to next?" Snape shifted the bag from one arm to the next. For some reason robes, shoes, socks, and a package of pants seemed to weigh as much as a large dog.

"I have to nip into the broomstick store. You stay outside."

"Why? What are you getting?"

"Female stuff." Snape stiffened, looking slightly disgusted.

"In a broomstick store?" But Esme had already gone inside.

Lucky for Esme, the store wasn't too crowded. A perky dark haired salesgirl stood behind the counter.

"Hello, how can I help you?"

"I'm looking to order a Firebolt. I want it sent to Harry Potter, at Hogwarts. I want it sent anonymously."

"Okay!" The perky brunette grinned, "Who shall I say it's from?"

"No one," Esme spoke quite slowly, but the young girl didn't seem to understand. "I want it sent _anonymously_."

"How do I spell that?" she said, pulling out a pad of paper.

"You don't need to," Esme snapped.

"But then what shall I put on the card?" the girl wailed.

"Don't put anything on the card! Don't add a card!"

"But Mr. Steffordson says we're supposed to put in a card!" The poor, dumb girl looked near tears.

"Fine!" Esme's pity system was kicking in, "Put 'From a Friend' on the card."

"Mmkay. How do you spell 'friend'?" Esme felt like banging her head on the counter a few times, but instead wrote down the message, praying the girl could read, and stomped out to meet Snape.

"Is it just me, or do people get dumber around the holidays?"

--

"So, tell me again why your mother needs a large, golden urn." The pair had finally finished Esme's shopping, and Snape was lugging six bags, each filled to the brim with gifts.

"I felt that it would look good in the living room." Esme said cheerfully, fingering the urn's brim.

"I see. And why does your twelve-year-old sister need _101 Ways to Land the Wizard of Your Dreams!_?" He pulled out a hard-bound bright pink book.

"Have you seen her pathetic attempts at flirting?"

"I'm not going to ask any more questions about that." He peeked into a soft purple bag. "Why does Tonks need," he swallowed, "_thongs _in every color of the rainbow?"

"She needs one for every different guy—"

"Do _not_ finish that sentence." The two wandered quietly until they reached the edge of the wood and met up with the Golden Trio. Harry sat on a rock, sobbing.

"Why are you sobbing, Harry? It's rather emasculating." Esme said cheerfully.

"_Harry just found out some terrible news,_" Hermione whispered, "_He learned that Sirius Black was his father's best friend _and_ is his godfather!_"

"I'll kill him!" Harry roared through the tears, "No matter what I have to do, I'll find him and kill him!"

"Oh, Harry," Esme said awkwardly, patting his back, "it could be worse! I mean, Severus could be your godfather."

--


	8. Chapter 8: Lemon Drop?

Disclaimer: If you've read this far, you know who I do and don't own

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

--

"Fa la la la la, la la la la!" Esme skipped into breakfast early Christmas morning, her face full of smiles and her arms full of presents. "I got a little something for everyone!" The orange and green sparkles on the wrapping paper glittered in the morning candlelight. She passed out the gifts to whoever was there.

"Oh how lovely!" Dumbledore opened his gift: a pair of bright orange wool socks, with a moving portrait of Dumbledore himself on the insteps, "It's just what I wanted."

"I have a knack for picking out gifts. Open yours, Sevvie!" Slowly, painfully, as though frightened of what he may find inside, Snape peeled open his gift. A sheet of brightly colored paper covered in bits of glitter and photos sat on the table. He looked, yet again, near nausea.

"Oh, a collage of all of the embarrassing photos you've taken of me over the past seven years. Heh, even the ones from the shopping trip. How…nice."

"See? I can do good with photos!"

"Most of these have been hung in the girls' bathroom," he said flatly.

"Why were you in the girls' bathroom?" She paused, thinking, "Don't answer that. Open the next one!" Snape cringed, tearing open the paper. When he held up its content, the hall fell silent, except for a soft giggle from McGonagall. In his hands was a bright orange knit sweater with pink and silver stars shooting across it. Literally. "My mother taught me to knit over the summer!" Esme giggled, clapping her hands. "I thought Christmas would be a perfect time to use my new skills! Now where's Remus? I need to give him his new knit bodysuit."

"Poor Remus has fallen ill." Dumbledore said softly.

"Poor dear," Esme said sadly. "And on Christmas? How _awful_, I should visit him."

"_No!_" Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore cried emphatically.

"Lupin's rather a bear when he's sick." Snape smirked, "Or should I say, a _wolf_."

"Oh, Sevvie. You and your poorly thought out, veiled insults. Hello children!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione had come into the Great Hall, all looking a bit astounded at the garish sweater still in Snape's arms. "I brought you prezzies!"

For Harry she had gotten, not comic books, but a brightly colored knit scarf, covered in scenes of poorly drawn dragons fighting and eating each other ("I feel it symbolizes your inner emotions!"). For Hermione, a book: _You don't have to be a Witch to be a Bitch: How to Control any Wizard with a Few Key Phrases. _And for her dear, semi-literate brother,_ two_ books: _How to Deal with Horrible Phobias that will Plague and Control your Life Forever! _And _Ten Million Reasons why you should Blindly Obey the Women in you Life. _

"Gee, Esme thanks." Ron stared at his two new books.

"Yes," Hermione said, smirking at Ron, "This will be very…useful in the years to come."

--

"Tra la la, la la la la! Afternoon Sirius! And a wonderfully merry Christmas to you!"

"It's Christmas?" Sirius looked up at her bleakly from his spot at the cracked and broken table.

"Of course it is!" she laughed. "The world doesn't stop just because you've gone into hiding."

"It's just…I haven't celebrated Christmas in twelve years, and that was with James and Lily…and now they're just _gone_." He stared off into the distance.

"Twelve years ago on Christmas my grandfather was arrested and sent to Azkaban," Esme deadpanned.

"Best. Christmas gift. _Ever_."

"You're too kind. Anyway, there's always some miserable Christmas memory for those of us who have descended from evil."

"That is true. What'd you get me?"

"Here." She tossed him the few packages she'd been holding. He opened them to reveal a few black robes, a new pair of shoes, and some bright orange knit boxer shorts.

"Oh, Esme, you shouldn't have!" Sirius wrapped her in a warm hug.

"Aww, anything for my favorite homicidal maniac."

"You know it. Here, I made you something." He pulled out a large sort of centerpiece thing. It was made of tree branches. And pine cones. And some other unidentifiable objects. "It was supposed to be more of a thank-you gift, but now that it's Christmas…"

"Oh, Sirius, um..." She stared at the…_thing _in her hand, feeling somewhat like Snape must have felt when he unwrapped his sweater.

"It's a…something you should probably regift," he blushed deeply.

"_Yeah_."

"When I'm free I'll buy you something nice and shiny."

"Ooh! I love shiny things!"

"Somehow I guessed."

--

"…So Hermione took it to Professor McGonagall and now she says that they have to test it for jinxes and hexes and I don't know if it'll get hurt! Oh God, you've got to help!" Ron and Harry pled before Snape, Esme and Remus, who were all leaning against a wall, looking like the formidable force they weren't.

"You know Potter, I could help. If only I cared…" Snape said wistfully.

"It's for the best, Harry," Remus said gently, "If there's something wrong with the broom, we couldn't have you getting hurt. I'm sure if it's cursed the shop could get you a new one."

"You know, it just doesn't sound like something Sirius Black would _do_. It actually sounds more like your father…" Esme trailed off, looking at Snape pointedly.

"My _dead_ father?" Harry inquired.

"No I mean Severus."

"What?" Ron, Harry, and Remus asked in unison.

Snape smacked Esme's arm gently then stage whispered. "_You weren't supposed to tell him until he's of age!_" At that, Harry and Ron, looking slightly incredibly horrified, quickly walked away. Remus stared in disgust.

"You two are what nightmares are made of." The trio of darkness, the name Esme was secretly calling them, began strutting down the hall.

"You do realize that Sirius doesn't even have a wand; it's destroyed upon entry to Azkaban," Esme said conversationally. The boys stared.

"When did you and Black become friendly on a first-name basis?" Remus said slowly.

"I'm not sure. Maybe mid-November," she shrugged.

"I knew it! I knew you were helping him! All I need is some proof." Snape rubbed his palms together, scheming.

"And unfortunately, you have none. And I must go chat with Professor Dumbledore about you harassing me. Again." Snape stared after her as she wandered away.

"Well that was…crazy," said Remus, staring at Snape like he'd just stripped down to his boxers and began to tap dance. He didn't like thinking about Snape in anything less than boxers.

"Yes, Miss Slain has been known for saying the first nonsensical thing that comes to mind."

"I meant you."

"Yes well, perhaps the young lady is rubbing off on me."

"'_The young lady'?_" His eyes widened horrifically, "Oh good Lord, you're in love with her!"

"No, no. It's merely…have you ever considered adopting a child?" Snape stared wistfully after the path Esme had just taken up to Dumbledore's office.

"No, I would probably end up eating it. Anyway, I can't exactly see her calling you 'papa'."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not."

"Also, doesn't Esme already have legal parents and a family she loves?"

"You know, Lupin, nobody likes a killjoy."

--

"Oh my God, Professor Dumbledore. I know that this isn't a religious school and there's no confession, but I gotta tell someone." Esme stumbled into his office, her face flushed crimson.

"What is it Esmeralda?" Dumbledore's eyebrows climbed up his forehead.

"It's so bad. I thought it would be fine but it's gotten way out of hand."

"Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"You promise you won't be mad?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Okay, so for the past few days, since Boxing Day, actually, I've been slipping mild personality altering drugs into Severus's morning coffee. I thought they'd make him a little easier to deal with, but now he's all happy and not himself and it's making me sad!" she cried out.

Dumbledore sat, fingers tented, "I see. Perhaps, Miss Slain, you should stop giving him the drugs. I know that he checks his liquids for poison every day, so perhaps this turn is due to something else."

"You really think so?"

"No, I just think it will be entertaining to watch him wonder why he no longer feels like he's wrapped in warm blankets." Dumbledore smiled kindly. "Lemon drop?"

--

**A/N: **Surprise!


	9. Chapter 9: What Was on The Map

Disclaimer: It's been nine chapters, you should know

**Disclaimer: **It's been nine chapters, you should know.

--

"You stupid, stupid boys! You could have killed someone! I ought to expel you!" Esme paced the room, glaring at Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, and Marcus Flint. Flint raised a tentative hand.

"Uh, Professor? Why are you handling this and not Professor Snape or Dumbledore?"

A smirk played around Esme's lips, "Funny you should ask, Flint. Funny you should ask…"

--

_Professor Dumbledore's Office, the day of the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw Quidditch Game…_

"Now, there is the matter of, ah, punishment," Dumbledore sat behind his desk, fingers tented, as he cautiously glanced from the bored-looking Snape to the fuming Esme.

"I feel that, as they are students of my house, I should dole out the punishment." Snape said greasily.

"And I feel that I should punish them, as I feel no remorse in murdering children!" Esme pounded her fist on the desk, causing one of Dumbledore's many ornaments to fall and break.

"Professor Slain, I cannot in good heart grant you permission to murder students," Dumbledore admonished. Snape smirked, obviously believing that he, for once, had beaten his prettiest foe (many of his other foes, such as Dumbledore, were lacking in the pretty department). "I can, however, allow you to punish the boys to the point of _near_ death." Snape's jaw dropped into a look of pure disbelief mixed with horror, "Now, Severus, don't give me that look. You may assist Esmeralda with any sort of punishment that she comes up with."

"Yee-hah! Pack your bags Severus, we're goin' werewolf hunting!"

"Headmaster, please, please reconsider!" begged Snape.

"Now Severus, it wouldn't be fair not to allow her to punish the boys; they attempted to harm a biological family member," Dumbledore said simply.

"And one of them is the spawn of the man who disowned me. I feel that that is grounds for me to do whatever I want to him," Esme laughed cruelly.

"Please don't kill the boy, Esme. Lucius gives quite a bit of money to the school."

Esme left Dumbledore's office bouncing. Snape followed, leaving a trail of raging slime behind him. "Oh Severus, you'll never win, will you?" She sang. Snape eyed the window.

"Oh Esme, you don't remember what happened the last time you gloated, do you?"

--

"So, here are the rules for tonight's detention: Snape and I are going to blindfold you and walk you out into the forest. Then, when we're in the exact middle of the forest, we'll leave, and when we're out of the forest we'll lift the charm that keeps the blindfolds on. You must a) find a werewolf and kill it, and b) find your way out of the forest before daybreak. Now, if you don't find your way out of the forest before the sun rises, you get an extra week's worth of detentions. If you do find your way out, but fail to kill and bring me back a werewolf, you get two more weeks of detentions. Any questions?" She smiled at the group.

"Uh, I don't think there are that many werewolves in the forest," Goyle said, somewhat stupidly.

"It's not even a full moon! If we do survive the night we'll still earn two more weeks of detention!" Malfoy protested.

"Oh Draco, stop complaining. Tomorrow night we're going to see how many underwater rounds you can go with the giant squid!"

"What do you mean by 'go'?"

--

"So you sent four wizards, three of which who are underage, into the _Forbidden _Forest to hunt for something that you knew wouldn't be there, refused to get them medical treatment when God knows what attacked them; sent them to fight with the giant squid _underwater,_ with no means of getting air into their lungs whatsoever—" Lupin ranted until Esme interrupted.

"It's not like they need to breathe. You talk about them like they're human," she muttered.

"I know you think they aren't, and I agree," he said quickly as she opened her mouth to interrupt, "but some people don't. Let's continue: you hung them upside down by their ankles in a room full of hungry rats and an angry, orange cat, and had a 'who can keep down this semi-poisonous potion I've made for the longest' competition."

"Yes. Where are you going with this?"

"How can you possibly be curious about why you were banned from punishment duty?! I'm surprised you weren't fired! How can you not be fired?! How are you not in _prison_?!" He threw his hands into the air.

"The ministry's scared that if I end up in Azkaban, I'll break down the walls with my PMSing strength, rip my grandfather limb from limb, and eat him. And they really wouldn't want to have to put that in the Prophet."

"Here Esme, have some chocolate…" Remus said nervously. At that moment Snape's head appeared in the flames of the fire. Esme shrieked and poured water on him.

"Make it go away, Remus! Make it go away!"

"Lupin! I want a word! And don't bring her!" He made a slight gesture towards Esme as she refilled the glass of water.

"Fine." Snape pulled his head out of the flames, just as Remus stepped in, grabbing floo powder.

"I'm coming too!" Esme ran in after, "Snape's office!" She whirled out of the fire to the surprised look of her brother, the exasperated look of Remus, and Snape's typical angry eyes.

"Insipid little girl…" he muttered. She threw her glass of water at him. Glaring at her, he handed a worn piece of parchment to Remus, "Does this look familiar?" Remus read the parchment, eyebrows raised. Esme read over his shoulder.

"Ha! It's funny because it's all true!"

"The first chance I get, I'm firing you," Snape muttered under his breath.

"Really, Severus, I think this is just a joke, just a bit of parchment that insults its reader. Probably from Zonko's Joke Shop. I assume you've heard of it?" Snape clenched his teeth.

"Ha, you'd like me to believe that, wouldn't you Lupin? Well, it wouldn't surprise me if YOU were behind all of this!" Then he pointed at Esme, "And you're his assistant! And you're both working with SIRIUS BLACK!" Esme stared as her as her friend-enemy rambled into insanity.

"Oh, Severus. I'm going to have to start drugging you again, aren't I?"

--

Esme walked alongside Remus, her head hanging. "Oh, come now, Esme. It's not that bad. It's just a hippogriff."

"It's not the hippogriff I'm worried about, it's Hagrid. He just loves that beast so much. It'll destroy him to see it die"

"I suppose so. But Hagrid's a grown man; I'm sure he can handle—HERMIONE! We do not hit other students!" While strolling across the grounds, the pair had stumbled upon what seemed to be a fist fight between Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy.

"Yes Hermione I'm ashamed!" Esme admonished, "There was a chapter in your Christmas gift about resorting to physical tactics, and you should know that you're hitting way to high!"

"I'm sorry; Professors, but he insulted my honor!" She yelled back, still aiming her wand at the blonde boy.

Remus rolled his eyes, "Yes, and we all know that that is a perfectly good reason to assault another student." Esme wrapped an arm around his neck.

"Aww look. It learns," she tightened her grip to a choke-hold.

"Don't you have to go teach a class?"

"Don't you?"

--

"Let's play Quidditch! Quidditch is fun! Yay for Quidditch!" Esme cheered, jumping up and down.

"You know, your cheerful disposition is actually more annoying when it's insincere," Snape grumbled, fingering the circle of metal around his wrist. For some reason Snape and Esme had decided to go to the Quidditch Final together. Well, _they_ didn't really decide; Esme had chased him down and attached herself to him. With handcuffs. "The intensity of my hatred towards you burns with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns."

"Your hatred's a turn on," she giggled. Esme was decked out in her old team colors, including the revealing maroon and gold dance uniform that she'd worn in her fifth year. When she was four inches shorter. And about ten pounds lighter

"Speaking of, most of the students in this school haven't seen the old cheerleading uniforms. None of them have seen it on a professor, I hope. I feel it's best if that remains so," he said pointedly.

"So do you think I should take it off, and attend the game naked?"

"No, seeing my team is all male; I feel that a naked, nineteen-year-old girl handcuffed to their head of house may be a _bit_ distracting, and I'd really like to win this year."

"Have you forgotten, Sev? You don't get to win. I won't let you." They arrived at the Professors' section at took their seats, Esme smiling as a few of the older professors gasped at her outfit.

"You depress me."

Five minutes into the game and Esme started up her stream of endless chatter. "You know I actually disciplined a Gryffindor student a little while ago?"

"Really? Was it Potter?"

"No, it was Hermione Granger. She punched out Malfoy." Snape raised his eyebrows.

"I hope you gave her a detention."

"No, I admonished her for not kicking him between the legs." Snape winced.

"You know, after all the physical pain we've put each other through this year, we'd stop encouraging students to hurt each other."

"Who have you been encouraging?"

"Well, no one…" Esme turned to Professor Sprout, who had obviously been listening in on their conversation.

"See! They can be trained! Where're my ten galleons?" Esme inquired cheerfully, holding out her palm. Snape slunk into a grumpy silence, pretending to watch the game while listening to Esme gossip with the other female professors. After about an hour the majority of people stood in the stands and cheered. Esme glanced around confused. "What just happened?"

"Idiot girl," Snape snarled, "Gryffindor just won."

"Oh, good! Yay, Quidditch! Whoo!"

--

The year end testing finished quickly, especially for Esme, as she had not had to do anything for about a week. Now there was only one thing on Esme's mind as the sun set on this glorious day. "Oh, come on, Severus!" She whined, tugging at his hand. "What better way to celebrate the end of the year than getting drunk? I haven't had a good celebratory drink since the Quidditch Final, and even _that_ was disturbed by a crazed murderer nearly stabbing my brother!"

"I don't care." He yanked his arm away, "We are not going to become drinking buddies. Why don't you go watch the celebratory hippogriff beheading?"

"That's low Sev."

"Fine, I'll go then." He turned on his heel and left. Esme walked alone in the silence of the castle; most students were celebrating in the sunset. She was passing Remus's office as she heard her name being called.

"Esme?" he called.

"Yeah?" she called back.

"I need you to look at something," Remus was standing over his desk; looking at the same old piece of parchment Esme had seen insulting Snape. She looked over his shoulder, realizing that the parchment had become an intricate map of the school.

"Wow, that's a really amazing map. Look, it even has little dots to represent everyone! There's us in the office and there's Sev in the halls, and there's—oh God." Her eyes fell upon five dots labeled "Hermione Granger", "Ronald Weasley", "Harry Potter", "Sirius Black" and "Peter Pettigrew." Remus caught her staring.

"Do you know anything about this?"

"Oh fuck. Ooooh fuck."

"What do you know?" Remus practically shouted.

"Remus there is so much I've got to tell you."


	10. Chapter 10: In the Shrieking Shack

Disclaimer: It should not take you ten chapters to learn that I am not the owner of Harry Potter

**Typical Disclaimers Apply**

**A/N: **Just so you know, the sequel, _You Are the Muse of my Hate, _will be removed from the site so I can revise it like I did this one. Please don't spoil the ending for yourself by reading the third story. I'll update nearly every day. I promise.

--

"So, let me get this straight," Remus nearly yelled. "You've known that Sirius Black had the ability to get onto the grounds and into the castle since _October_, and not only have you allowed him to do so even when he threatened the life of your adoptive brother, but you've barely spoken to him since Christmas?" He and Esme were sprinting out of the castle, hoping to get to the Shrieking Shack before something bad happened, while carrying on a conversation. It was rather miraculous.

"Yes," she said tightly.

"And you never thought it important to tell anyone, say Dumbledore, perhaps, that you had access to a wanted criminal?"

"No."

"Were you dropped on your head as a child?!"

"Look, this could have been way worse than it is."

"How?! We're sprinting across the grounds praying that no murder has been committed tonight!"

"At least Severus doesn't—DUCK!" One of the Womping Willow's tree branches had nearly struck Remus across the face. Esme pulled him down and they crawled into the passageway.

"You're sure you know the way?"

"Yes. Now follow me if you want to save the life of a wanted criminal."

"I'd never thought I'd be asked that…again," Lupin muttered under his breath. They ran into a small bedroom, staring in shock at a wounded Ron on the bed, a frightened Hermione in the corner, and an angry Harry standing over Sirius with his wand pointed at his throat.

"Are you going to kill me, Harry?" Sirius rasped.

"No, he's not," Esme snapped. "He doesn't know the killing curse and if the need for physical battle should arise, you could probably take him." Esme stood in the doorway, the slight light from the outside hall illuminating her silhouette. She looked like a cross between a crazed warrior and an angel.

"Esme! Why have I not seen you for nearly six months?" Sirius said, almost joyfully, from his spot below Harry.

"_Esme?"_ Remus cried.

"Lupin?" Harry's eyes nearly bugged out of his head.

"Remus!" Sirius laughed, just as joyously.

"Sirius!" Remus growled.

"I knew it!" Hermione shouted from her corner, as the four boys shouted each others' names in disbelief, "I knew you three were working together! Harry," she gestured to Remus, "he's a werewolf! And she's a descendant of evil!" She pointed at Esme, who shrugged and nodded.

"That's definitely true, Hermione. And Remus, why did you not tell me you were a werewolf?"

"It never came up," he said dryly. "Miss Granger I congratulate you on your observations. May I assume that Professor Snape had something to do with this?"

"When he substituted for your class…" she trailed off, watching her feet.

"Ah, no surprises there," he laughed bitterly. Sirius looked up at the two professors.

"Esme, dearest, would you mind getting your brother off of me?"

"_WHAT?_" The golden trio exclaimed.

"Sirius!" Esme said through clenched teeth.

"Oops."

"No one is doing anything until someone explains what's going on!" Harry cried out, slipping and falling onto his godfather's chest. Esme rolled her eyes.

"I shall tell you a story, clumsy child. You see, the person responsible for your parents' deaths is not Sirius, but Ron's rat. Sirius traded the secret keeping job with him blah, blah, blah, _yeah_."

"Wait! You're leaving a lot of holes in the story!" Hermione, who always needed closure, tugged on her scalp.

"Esme why don't I take over?" Lupin said kindly, "Hermione, I was attacked by a werewolf at a young age. This is where I stayed every month when I transformed. Sirius, James, and Peter Pettigrew eventually learned of my…disorder, and sought to bec—" the door Esme had been standing in front of slammed close. She stared at it.

"Jeepers creepers," she muttered.

"Ahem," Remus cleared his throat. "James, Sirius, and Peter all sought to become Animagi. Animagi are—"

"They're people who can turn into animals!" Hermione piped up. "But you have to get registered to become an Animagus. The Ministry would know—"

"Hermione," Esme said simply, "just because it's the law doesn't mean you have to do it."

"Which would explain _many _of your actions, Miss Slain," a cold voice said from behind Esme. Now, two many this scene might look rather odd. A suffering redhead lay on an old bed, clutching his leg and whimpering. There was a slack-jawed, bushy haired young girl in the corner, looking as though she may very well have a heart attack. A green-eyed teen knelt over an underweight, fully grown man, and they both looked a little confused. Standing in front of all of them was a pair of young teachers, each of them quickly going extremely pale. Yes, it was quite an odd scene, though not for Severus Snape.

"Well, what have we here? A little get-together in the Shrieking Shack? And to think, I wasn't invited. How unfortunate." He placed a hand on Esme's shoulder, "Miss Slain, what's your take on the mass murderer, the werewolf, and the three students out-of-bounds?"

She smacked his hand away. "I swear to God, Snape, if you touch me again I'll—" He cut her off.

"Miss Slain it would be quite unwise for you to harm me when you are already facing punishment for harboring a criminal."

"If I go to Azkaban, I want to go with the memory of your death at my hands," she growled.

"Severus, try to understand, neither Esme not Sirius are trying to bring any harm to the school," Remus put his hands up in a gesture of reasoning.

"Lupin, Slain, and Black, you can all be mates in prison," he laughed darkly. He reached out and touched Esme's cheek. "How unfortunate, such a pretty girl." She swung her hand out to backhand him, but he grabbed it before she hit his face. "Too slow, Slain."

"Will someone please explain what's going on here?" Ron cried weakly from the bed.

"Your dear friends Lupin and Slain are going to spend the rest of their lives reliving their worst memories, a fate I thought _she'd_ always deserve," he simpered, squeezing her wrist even harder.

"Die Snape. Just die."

"Oh no, not until I've finished with you 'Professor Slain'. As for Black I'll see that he receives a little kiss, though not from his _whore—_ " he was interrupted as a petite, dark haired girl, no older than nineteen, flying-tackled him, wrapping her small hands around his neck.

"_I'm sorry, what did you just call me?_" She yelled, her voice filling the small room.

"Get off me you insipid slut!" Snape gasped.

"You know, Snivellus, insulting the girl who's close to murdering you is sometimes considered idiotic," Sirius quipped from his place on the floor. Esme whipped out her wand, silently forming a gag over Snape's mouth binding his body in ropes.

"There, I've finally put my semi-homicidal tendencies to good use. You were saying, Remus?" She said conversationally. He smiled.

"So the three of them sought to become animagi, succeeded, and accompanied me on my monthly excursions."

"Like girls getting their periods together." Esme quipped.

"Um, yes. That's really all I have to say, unless you have something to add to make this conversation _more_ awkward, Esmeralda, I feel we should let Sirius take the floor."

"I already have the floor!" Sirius spread out his arms and legs over the floorboards, "It's mine! All mine!" He sat up, attempting to compose himself, "So, Harry, I am not responsible for the deaths of your parents. Peter Pettigrew is. Now Ron, give me your rat so that I may perform some dangerous magic that I've never done before, for reasons I have not quite explained to you yet."

"Okay." Ron, faint with the pain of his broken leg, handed over his rat to Sirius. However, Sirius didn't have a wand, so he handed the rat over to Remus and Esme, who silently caused the rat to start contorting into an ugly little man.

"Ewww; that's why you were eating all my knickers," Esme's lip curled in utter disgust. "Excuse me; I have to go burn everything you've ever touched."

"If so, Esme, may I borrow your wand? Murder with a connection to you makes it all the sweeter."

"No!" Harry cried, "You can't kill him! He's your only piece of evidence!"

"Also, isn't the killing curse rather painless?" Hermione asked, her tone dark, "I feel that he should suffer."

"Good for you Hermione! You did read your Christmas present!"

"Please don't…oh it doesn't matter. Whatever I say you're still going to cause me years of misery," Pettigrew said despairingly.

"Wow, he understands women," Esme quipped. She pointed her wand at Snape, silently removing his gag. "Surprised, Sevvie?"

"You're a really evil person, you know that?"

"Well so are you and you get to suffer with me for who knows how long!"

"No, no, I'm pretty sure you're fired. I've alerted the minister and the press and everything."

"Well, with the excuse I'm giving them, you're going to sound like a sex crazed monster!" Then she happily flicked her wand and both Snape and Pettigrew were back to being gagged and bound. "So this is what we're going to do: I'm taking Snape, Sirius, you're transforming into a dog and taking Pettigrew,"

"Any attempt to transform and I'll eat you." Sirius muttered darkly.

"Right, Remus you'll help Ron."

"No!" Hermione cried, "It's a full moon!"

"And I haven't taken my wolfsbane." Remus said softly.

"Why doesn't Lupin just go into the woods after we leave?" Ron inquired drunkenly, "You know, run around, eat a unicorn…"

"Eat a Malfoy," Esme advised. "That boy still owes me detention. Anyway, since Remus is a mad beast, Hermione and Harry can help Ron." She grabbed Snape by his greasy hair, "Castle ho!"

--


	11. Chapter 11: The Beginning

A/N: Welcome to the end (of story one)

**A/N:** Welcome to the end (of story one)!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing (but Esme)!

--

Dumbledore sat at his desk, pondering the evening's events. He'd just received news that his only professor that lacked horrible personality defects had run off with the crazy homicidal potions professor, the girl one, to go assist another potential- murderer. He had also received this news from the one man he didn't like, Cornelius Fudge, who had brought along with him Rita Skeeter, and also some legitimate reporter he'd never actually heard of. "How very sad and disturbing," he was saying to the reporters. "I always hate it when a professor goes mad and runs off with a woman half his age." At that precise moment, Esme burst into the room, pulling Snape by his hair, followed by a large black dog with a short man in his mouth, and three teenagers. "Good heavens! Esmeralda, why on earth is Severus bound and gagged?"

"H-he attacked me!" she sobbed. "I-i-it was only self-defense!"

However, the reporters seemed a bit distracted by the large, black dog that was quickly transforming into a skinny, pale man.

"You're Sirius Black!" cried the minister.

"Who were you expecting; Comical White?" He smiled at his weak joke. No one laughed. Peter Pettigrew rolled around on the floor.

"And that's—well it looks like it's Peter Pettigrew. What the hell is going on here?" Fudge looked at Dumbledore, who didn't seem surprised whatsoever.

Esme glanced over the three teenagers tied together, one with a broken leg; the wanted criminal with hair that touched his shoulder on one side and went down nearly to the elbow on the other; the man who was supposed to be dead, rolling about on the floor; and her bleeding, nearly unconscious, bound and gagged colleague.

"I think it's somewhat self-explanatory," she shrugged. Seeing the confused looks on the minister's, Dumbledore's, and the two reporters' faces, she launched into the story of deceit, treachery, and loathing.

"This has page one written all over it!" The legitimate reporter cried, snapping pictures. Rita Skeeter, though, looked bored.

"Were there any torrid love affairs?"

"No, though I once drunkenly kissed Severus when I was sixteen," Sirius said with a grin.

"Please untie Severus, Esmeralda," Dumbledore said serenely. "And where is Remus Lupin?"

"Running around in the forest, as a werewolf." She grinned wickedly at Snape. "But that's not _my _fault, is it, Potion Boy?"

"Ah, that would explain those signs Snape put up," The minister said, nodding. Gesturing to the "Professor Remus Lupin is none other than a man-eating beast!" sign sitting on Dumbledore's desk.

"I suppose I'll have to fire him," Dumbledore said sadly.

"Snape?" Esme inquired hopefully.

"No, Lupin. It's bad for the school; having a werewolf as a professor is never good for publicity." Dumbledore studied Sirius, "You know, you seem stable and normal. Would you like to become the new defensive arts professor?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Oh Sirius," Esme cried, "it's so wonderful that you're free!" Then, for reasons only she knew, Esme threw herself into his arms and pressed her lips to his. In this moment, Ron passed out unconscious, Rita Skeeter took photos, and Peter Pettigrew transformed back into a rat and climbed out an open window. But no one noticed, because they were too busy watching two idiots snog. Except for Snape, who couldn't say anything because he had yet to be untied.

--

"So, is the rule in France once you save a man's life, you get to start dating him?" Sirius laughed, basking in the sun. It was the day before everyone was to head home for the summer holidays. Sirius's innocence had been flaunted all over the _Daily Prophet _and the kiss had been on the front cover of _Witch Weekly _along with a story about Esme ending her steamy, adolescent love affair with Snape (where she got that, no one knew), and beginning a new one with Sirius. She'd gotten more letters from angry parents than Remus. It was something she was quite proud of.

"Not only dating, but I also own your soul."

"Well, if I hadn't given it to you the dementors would've gotten it."

"See? I am good for some things." She grinned, pulling him into a kiss, directly in front of a large group of female students. They nearly collapsed trying to hold in their giggles in. "Oh, grow up," Esme laughed. "So what's rooming with Sev been like?" Dumbledore had forced Sirius to spend the past few days rooming with Snape. He thought it would help them grow closer, as they were going to be working together next autumn. He'd even magicked them bunk beds.

"Oh it's wonderful. You know he snores?"

"Really?" She laughed, "Well, here we are." Sirius and Esme had been heading out to visit Hagrid, carrying a special gift. "Hagrid! Open up please!" As the door opened she thrust a cage into his hands. "We felt so bad about Buckbeak's death; we just had to get you something!" Within the cage crowed a tiny, hot pink hippogriff.

"Oh, thank ye Esme…I di'n't even know they came in this color…I s'pose I'll name 'er Rosie."

"Wait a moment, Esme," Sirius interjected, "How did you get a hippogriff this fast?"

"Look, Sirius, I'm not going to discuss how I do things, especially if they involve removing my clothes, in front of two men I have to work with."

"Ah, Sirius, I see ye haven't learned not ter ask questions 'round Esme."

"I have now, Hagrid," Sirius laughed a bit, sounding like a dog.  
And in that spirit, I would prefer you not ask about the pink collar around my neck.

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**A/N: **And they all lived happily ever after, at least for a few weeks. _If _I get reviews, I'll post the first chapter of the second story either today or tomorrow.


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